Devin Townsend - Ziltoid The Omniscient (2007)

I've never gone on record as being the biggest fan of anything Devin Townsend's really done outside of his guest appearance on Ayreon's The Human Equation. Strapping Young Lad is fun for like, three minutes while I'm driving around really fast. I do, however, quite like Terria. Anyway, this album is quite different, yet similar to his other works. I love the subject matter he's chosen here. The album cover is also fucking awesome. Not to mention, the music is pretty radical.

This album is a concept album, so I guess I'll outline the story it follows. Ziltoid the Omniscient and his brutal race of Ziltoidians travel from a distant omniverse to our universe to demand Earth's ultimate cup of black coffee. When presented with said coffee, Ziltoid is enraged at its fetid nature and proclaims that the Earthlings are hiding their most fantastic bean. In response to this insult, Ziltoid launches a full-scale Ziltoidian assault on Earth. With their futuristic space-man might, the Ziltoidians easily conquer the planet and Ziltoid is hailed the ultimate fourth dimensional guitar hero.

However, Captain Spectacular plans to rain on Ziltoid's parade by exposing him for what he truly is; a nerd. In front of the surviving humans, Captain Spectacular gives his good word that Ziltoid must pay. Upon hearing of Captain Spectacular and the remaining humans' plans to go to the benevolent Nebulo 9, he follows them closely on his radar. Shortly after, Captain Spectacular jumps to hyperdrive, to which Ziltoid responds angrily with "Phooey!".

Captain Spectacular and his intrepid crew arrive at Nebulo 9, but are ambushed by Ziltoid in a surprise attack. A great battle ensues and Ziltoid is defeated. At the end, he exclaims furiously that "You have not seen the last of Ziltoid!". Defeated and ashamed, Ziltoid feels it's time to have a little fun and destroy a planet. He diverts all the power to his ship's front guns and attempts to summon the sixth dimensional planet smasher. The awakened planet smasher is infuriated by Ziltoid's request and the people of the selected planet plead helplessly with Ziltoid.

Ziltoid is ultimately rejected by the planet smasher. Afterward, he seeks the council of the omnidimensional creator. When the omnidimensional creator asks Ziltoid what's on his mind, he responds "modular forms and elliptic curves, infinite fire revolving around infinite parallels, fractals of infinite reality, each cascading and gliding in an infinite wheel". He then demands that the omnidimensional creator tell him the true nature of his reality. The omnidimensional creator tells Ziltoid to chill out.

So, Ziltoid does chill out. He decides he doesn't really want to destroy the Earth. He just wants to play guitar and get chicks. So, he does. I think.

That's what I gathered. I think it's pretty accurate up until the last parts. Anyway, if that story isn't gonna make you listen to this album, then you probably lack the proper gland for sensing awesome shit. Aside from that fucking great story line, the music is damned entertaining, too.

It's fun stuff. It's not really complicated or overtly fancy. It's just really, really fun. I love listening to this album and so should you. I don't think it's out for a while, but when it is, I will totally buy it.

8/10

What the fuck? 2 Parter of Justice

So I decided this would be a good time to discuss my confusion and frustration regarding a few bands. Well, two bands in particular. Now, don't get me wrong here. I'm not insinuating that there are only two bands that have fucked up something great. There's a slew of them. Namely Arcturus, Metallica, Infected Malignity, and Dream Theater. But, two bands have released two very disturbingly bad albums in the last year or so. So, I ask, what the fuck, Rhapsody and David Valdes? What the fuck.

Rhapsody (of Fire?) - Triumph or Agony (2006)

Agony, Luca, agony. This album sucks. So, when they changed their name I didn't think too much of it. I trusted them as musicians to not fuck up their sound along with it. Although, I still refuse to actually refer to the as Rhapsody of Fire, because people that call them that are gay. I think when the band made this album, they were literally asking themselves whether or not they'd be triumphant or put their fans in a state of agony. Because, seriously, this album is terrible.

There's nothing to this album. Like, I can listen to it, but why do it? There's no reason to. The choruses aren't epic, the keyboards are just sorta there. Luca's voice seems to have completely lost its umph. Even the solos are poorly executed. What used to be super powerful is now a little line of "my first guitar" wank.

Overall, it just feels like this album got thrown together. Looks like they were sitting there, all emasculated with their new name, and decided to slap something together as fast as they could and pass it off as a Rhapsody album. Well, this isn't a Rhapsody album. This is a Rhapsody of Fire album, and it clearly shows. Maybe someday, after a billion listens, I can come to find something positive to say about this album, but the probability is highly unlikely when I have Symphony of Enchanted Lands just sitting here being all not shitty and whatnot.

3/10


David Valdes - Imhotep (2007)

If you've been reading this blog, which you haven't, you'd remember from a month back or so when I went nuts over this man's first album. Well, David's back. Only this time, he's got a swanky album cover and no creativity.

This album yells to the listener "I ran out of ideas!". There's very little shred on this album at all, and when there is, it's lame and played out. Whenever he's doing something, it's something he did on Paradise Lost. At least on that album, his ideas were fresh and catchy. This is just more thoughtless wank.

Now, look, I am a fan of thoughtless wank. This album isn't terrible, it's just not what I would have expected from David. You'd think that in 6 years he'd have some time to think up stuff that doesn't suck. I mean, Christ, Buckethead comes out with a new album every 3 months and they all rock hard. This is very, very bland neo-classical shred. There's too much stress on riffage that can't hold its own without solos. The only person that can pull of riffage in shred is Chris Impellitteri, as far as I'm concerned. If you want to make shred, please shred.

There are some tracks that are pretty killer on this album, I'm really not going to lie. Lake of Silence is pretty cool. But, still, this album is abundantly weak. It has to do mostly with my high hopes that were smashed by mediocrity. Oh well.

4.5/10

Shaolin Death Squad - Intelligent Design (2006)

This is a very interesting CD. I wouldn't really call it metal and I wouldn't really call it rock. It does have occasional blast beats and the vocals do occasionally get very harsh. But it still doesn't have a galloping beat, which is characteristic of the more avant-garde. These guys are very, very strange. I like them all the same, though.

Shaolin Death Squad is from Texas, I believe. I'm not going to lie and say they don't look like jackasses. But hey, pretty much everyone in metal looks and acts like an idiot, so that shouldn't be an issue. Anyway, this is their latest release, which was actually released last year.

I can't categorize this album. It most closely correlates with more avant-garde bands, though. Think Arcturus mixed with Estradasphere, only with way less of a classical influence. This was actually recommended to me like, a few months ago. I never really listened to it until the past few days, though. I'll get to actually talking about music now, I suppose.

Each song off this album follows a sort of sound. It's hard to put my finger on, but it's not like every song is different. My favorite off the album would probably be A Terrible Way To Use a Sword just because it's fun to listen to. I'm also rather fond of The Face Insecurity Killed. The former is a bit heavier, the latter is more mellow. They compliment each other nicely. A Terrible Way To Use a Sword has a pretty catchy bridge accompanied with a blast beat. In fact, the whole song's pretty damn catchy. Radio Feeler probably deserves mention, too, but it really didn't do as much for me as the others.

The thing about this album that strikes me is that it isn't "look what I can do" avant-garde. It's a fun little CD, it's not like you have to sit down and stroke your chin for hours in pensive thought. It's a nice change from what I usually waste time listening to. Surprise, surprise, no pretentious, artsy crap this time around. Look out, though, I'm downloading a Ved Buens Ende CD.

The vocals aren't soaring and falsetto..ey, either. They're modest; nothing spectacular. The interlude parts in A Terrible Way To Use a Sword are pretty damn cool, too. They've got the gruff vocals down pretty well. So, I guess this CD isn't really spectacular. It's just, there. I like it just fine. If you want some catchy, fun, sometimes weird stuff, check these dudes out.

7/10